To Ambivalence From Chris

Christmas has also been a time of year for mixed emotions for me.  There have never been a great number of traditions in my life with regards to Christmas.  (Not to mention, my overall thoughts on organized religion, society, and the over commercialization of this holiday, but that is not what this post is about.) Over time, that has made me quite ambivalent towards the whole season… but that is changing and I think it may be a great thing.

Growing up, my immediate family was never super close to any of our extended family.  On my mom’s side, mostly this was due to distance.  It just wasn’t feasible for us to go visit and thus no traditions were created.  On my dad’s side, we stopped doing anything with them when I was around 10.  Coincidentally, that is when my parents got divorced.  And up to that point, the Christmas outings to my dad’s parents were not exactly pleasant as they seemed to want nothing to do with their own grandkids.  Even after my parents got back together, we never went to the grandparent’s for Christmas.

After 10 years old, I don’t recall Christmas being a big celebration.  We still went to church for programs.   We still visited our friends.  We still did presents.  However, many times it felt like going through the motions.  My dad became a truck driver and I’m not even sure if he was home for Christmas very much after that.  Eventually, my brother moved out, my parents split again, and it was just my mom and me.  I would also be negligent if I didn’t mention that when my parents broke up for good was during the Christmas season.  Not to go into details, but there threats of violence, almost a door broke down, and me shouting out the door what an asshole someone was… let’s just say that from that point on my whole view of the season was tainted.

It wasn’t all bad.  When it was just me and my mom, we had some good times.  We always tried something different for us for our Christmas meal; duck, goose, game hens, etc.  Presents were never a big thing but, then again, that isn’t necessarily the reason for the season.  Regardless, it has had an impact on me and how I handle gift giving/receiving to this day.  My mom also worked a lot on Christmas.  She was a nursing assistant and worked 3^rd shift.  Many times she slept during Christmas day and I was left to do my own thing.  We made it work for us and that was what was important.

When I went to college, we tried to continue some of those things but, as inevitably happens, my mom and I grew apart for a few different reasons.  This led me to do other things for Christmas time.  By my senior year, I went to Florida to work with a friend at a golf course.  I stayed with his family and they were extremely welcoming to me in their home.  Due to my own awkwardness and uncomfortableness, I didn’t feel right spending the actual Christmas day with them.  So, I became a legend to my fellow bag boys and worked 12 straight hours on the busiest day of the year at the golf course.  If only it would have been a tipping club I would have cashed out big time.

As I continued that journey from then to now, I have spent Christmases with different families; girlfriends, wife, by myself, and always finding time to go see my mom.  Christmas was never my favorite and as my wife told me this morning in a note “I did what was expected and enjoyed a few moments here and there.”  Essentially, I was going through the motions.  I would help my wife get a tree but I did nothing to help decorate it.  I occasionally would have a gift giving moment; where I found something so great that there was no way it wouldn’t go over fantastically.  I have never been comfortable receiving gifts and this will be something that I always struggle with.  I’m very much a person that if I want something I will just buy it.  It makes it hard to buy gifts for me.  Over time, I have learned to be grateful for what others give me and accept that they are coming from a place of love.

With all that, built up over 40 years, I have become quite ambivalent.  I want to spend time with family and friends, but I don’t necessarily want to put up with some of the other obligations that come with this time of year.  Frankly, I could also do without some of it, but I also don’t want to miss out on anything.  It is stressful and I’m fully aware that is all brought on by myself.  There is some part of me that would perfectly content to take advantage of the Christmas sales but not do anything else with regards to this holiday.  Don’t mistake this for hating Christmas and being a bah-humbug; you can have your happiness, I just want very little to do with it.

If I would have written this as little as 4 years ago, that would have been the end of the post.  Things change.  People change.  My perspective has changed.  It is not me alone that has changed it though.  It is two very small people by the names of Jack and Max.  Experiencing this holiday through my kids’ eyes has helped me realize that there is a lot of potential to have some great traditions in my little family.  This has really being building for the last two years because of Jack having a better awareness of presents and the day.  Of course, that is helping Max understand much quicker than he did.

When Amanda and I talked about Christmas with the boys, Jack’s eyes would start to get big.  He would get so excited he shook and got a great big grin.  He talked about Santa coming to visit, leaving reindeer food out, and cookies for Santa.  He would ask when we were getting a tree and decorating it.  He wanted to help decorate.  In all of this, he would include Max and talk to Max about Santa coming and presents and trees and candy canes.  For an almost 4 year old, he was very in tune with what was happening.  Max is still a little young to understand it all, but what he lacks in understanding, he makes up for in enthusiasm and smile.

For me this means two things really: do nothing and miss out on a fun time with my boys or start to embrace this holiday I don’t have strong feelings for. Because at the end of the day I live for the smiles, I live for the laughs, and I live for the joy I see in my boys for all the hoopla surrounding Christmas.

So, with more energy than I have in years, I helped pick out the tree (I didn’t help decorate though), I got one of those red/green laser projectors to shine on the house, and I got stockings for all of us.  I have been filled with more joy for this time of year because I have two little boys that want it so badly.  Their enthusiasm is quite infectious… and I’m grateful for it.

The reason for the gratefulness? It makes me feel good to see them happy.  It makes me feel good to see my wife smile and laugh because I’m enjoying it more.  I was more invested in the holiday season and I can tell she appreciates it a lot.  Leading up to last night as we were preparing for Santa’s visit she mentioned to me how much more I seemed to be having fun with Christmas.  This is very much a true statement.

The payoff for my renewed Christmas vigor came this morning when Jack looked at the plate of cookies that we had left for Santa and exclaimed “What happened to the cookies?!  SANTA ATE THEM!!!!!”  The unbridled joy and happiness… words can’t do it justice.  Then as we looked in the stockings to see what Santa left Jack and Max their level of happiness continued to grow and grow.  After stockings was the presents from mommy and daddy and they were not disappointed if their ear to ear grins and high shrieks of laughter are any indication.  I don’t know if there is a better joy than seeing one’s children so excited about something, even if it is only bits of plastic and metal.

In addition, to all the gifts, we are also taking this opportunity to teach them about giving.  We bought some items for our local children’s hospital and it was great to see Jack grasp the thought of giving gifts to someone who needed them more that we did.  One thing I think is important during this season is to show generosity to others because hopefully that will transfer to not only this time of year but to all times of year.  That giving something to other is important and the right thing to do.

I find myself in an interesting dilemma now; to hold onto my Christmas angst or to embrace my sons’ excitement and happiness.  The choice seems easy and I know which way I’m going to go.  I don’t want my unpleasantness to affect how they view this holiday or any other holidays.  They have changed me.  They have made me want to be part of something I didn’t want to have a great deal to do with.  It is more than that though because it is not just wanting to be a part of it, but it is wanting to experience the glow of them and the innocence of youth.  Quite frankly I don’t know if I have the capacity to express and adequately describe the emotions.  It is a… warmth.  I’m sure many have had a similar feeling.  It is all the good things plus so much more.  And this year is just the beginning.

I guess what I’m saying with feeling and extra meaning this year, as opposed to the perfunctory, is Merry Christmas!