A year ago, one of my oldest and best friends passed away, James "Coach" Edlen. I have spent the last year grieving and have started and stopped this post numerous times. I just can't seem to find the words in the correct order to encapsulate what he and our friendship meant to me. I can't make it perfect. It's kind of like him. He was not perfect. He had many admirable qualities that anyone would emulate. He also had quite a few qualities that at best could be easily ignored and possessed a couple that needed to be challenged.
In October of last year, the Western Illinois folks, led by JB and myself had a memorial for Coach at one of his favorite spots on campus: The Henninger Hall Stoop. It was a place were our crew spent a lot of time, smoked a lot of cigars, and saw a lot of sunsets, maybe one of, if not the, best places in Macomb to see a sunset. I wrote and gave a little memorial speech for him that day. I don't know if it says enough, but I do think it was fitting for who he was. I tried to speak to his strong qualities and touch on but not emphasize his more shaky traits. It was cathartic for me at the time. It still is.
At this time, I would like to share it with all of you. I'm sure I could, and sometimes feel I should, put together something more epic as may be fitting for someone who occupied a large portion of my life and still occupies my thoughts. I just can't get there right now. I stop and start in fits and I can't get the tone right. It is also opening myself up and making myself more vulnerable than I'm willing to share. I will say this, I was lucky to have him as a friend. He was closer to me than a brother. There was mutual love and respect for each other as individuals. I miss him dearly.
*The above image is from the night we had our memorial. It was fortuitous that we had such a gorgeous sunset. If you believe in such things, one would say he was looking down on us that day.
October 21, 2022
This has been hard for me.
I have been thinking about it for the last 5 months and still don’t know
how to encapsulate Coach, our friendship, and what he meant to me.
As we liked to joke, he was a conundrum wrapped in an
enigma. As many of us know, he had quite
a few medical problems the last few years.
He never let that get him down… too much. He was so stoic though, that one would never
know if was down. We talked about it
though. The struggles, the loneliness of
being back in Galesburg and not being able to do a lot.
I have a million stories about Coach over the last 27 years
and I’m sure some of them will be told this weekend. However, I want to share a few stories
now. I think many think of him and
I together… especially at The Café. We were
not fast friends though. I was not part
of the initial Café crew. Nope, that was
Ray Gottner, Eric Schultz, and Ryan Nestler… maybe others, but not me. Coach was always very guarded about The Café
in the beginning. He didn’t want that
space infringed on. It was his time with
those guys. I don’t think it was until
November of our first year as RAs together that I had the audacity to ask him
if I could come… it took him a good three weeks to actually let me go. I think that was the start of us becoming
closer. I respected the unwritten rule
of not crashing it. He respected that I
did that. He was big on respect and
following traditions and unwritten rules, mostly for the good, but sometimes to
a detriment. It is something he carried
with him until the end and something I mostly respected, although not always.
One of the things that I think truly solidified our bond
though came a little later that semester at the Bay/Henn closing party in
Northern Lights. We had some sparkling grape juice and everyone was going
around saying a toast to the semester and wishing each other good fortune for
the holidays. It was clearly an
expectation that we said something. At
that point in time, I was not as polished a speaker or person… some would call
me uncouth even. So, it gets to me, I
stand up tall, raise my glass and say, “Here’s to all of you” (which is a
pretty solid start or so I thought) then before my brain could stop me, “I’m
glad I met most of ya.” I kind of smirk in my uncomfortableness and as I go to
sit back down hurriedly, Coach starts to get that belly laugh of his going,
falling out of chair laughing, just looking at me a little like I can’t believe
you just said that. I start to laugh
with him and it became a long time inside joke for us. He was like that, he had a great sense of
humor and he was funny despite JB saying that he was only caustically witty. There were many times when him and I laughed
and laughed about things we saw, things we said, or just random things. That is also a story I hear about him from
many others. He was quick with a joke…
even though I believe he was a notorious joke thief it never really bothered me
because if he was using it, you knew it was good. And that is not to say he didn’t have his own
jokes. He had many and was an expert
dirty joke teller. On par with that, I
would be remiss if I didn’t mention, he was also an expert at the use of the
word fuck and being able to slip it in eloquently into almost any
conversation. He considered himself an
artist really.
Over the years, as we grew and our friendship grew one
starts to notice qualities of people that maybe weren’t paid attention to at
first. For one, Coach was a thoughtful
friend. There were many times I got a
text or phone call from him wishing me well or bringing something to my attention
that he knew I cared about. I also got
numerous packages from him over the years as I know many others did as
well. There weren’t necessarily care
packages, but they always had things that he knew the person would like. For me, it was beer, bbq sauce, WIU apparel,
Cubs stuff… the list really goes on and on.
There was always an accompanying card or note letting you know he was
thinking about you and he thought you would like a certain item. I think I got more WIU jackets from him they
I ever paid for myself. I guess I’m
saying there was always care and love to those packages. Many times that is how he expressed his
affection for people. He wasn’t the best
at stating those feelings out loud, but he showed it other ways if one was
looking.
He was a fierce protector of those he cared about and those
that couldn’t protect themselves… I know, sometimes he came off as a bully. I
was bullied by him on more than one occasion.
In fairness, he was bullied as well.
But over time, I was on the receiving end of his protection more than I
was not. He stuck up for me and helped
me stick up for myself. I think this is
the case for many. Of course, this
changed over time as well. Where once it
was his physical stature that carried the intimidation it later became his acerbic
wit. He was wicked smart, well read, and
quick with a cutting remark that would put those in their place that needed
it. You knew you were in good company if
he had your back because he did not give that away freely.
With all that being said, the thing I really miss the most
is the mundane things that he and I shared.
We spent a lot time in that cafeteria not doing anything. We spent a lot of time at The Café not doing
anything. We spend a lot of time just
about anywhere not doing anything. We
filled that time with conversations that varied greatly in their significance,
from not so much to highly. We both had
a wide breadth of useless information that we did not have any issue sharing
with others even if they didn’t want to hear them. The last few years, with Covid, it was a
release when I could text him or he texted me with something that would make us
chuckle, laugh, or think. We were always
in touch, but the last few years it was more frequent. We had plenty of big moments together. Many more small ones and they mean just as
much to me, probably more.
Throughout this we found that we had similar tastes in books
and movies. One of his favorites was
Blade Runner, adapted from a Philip K. Dick story. There is a line in that movie that was one of
his favorites and I think is apt now.
The character, Roy Batty, is getting ready to die and his talking about
the things he has seen and he says “All those moments will be lost in time,
like tears in rain...”
Like tears in the rain.
If he had a tombstone I would put those words on it.
Lastly, one of things that he and I enjoyed and we talked about occasionally, was the
comfortable silence. You know, where you
can just be with someone and not say anything and have a companionship. The
void doesn’t have to filled with noise.
We had that. I hope you have that
with someone. It is important to just be
sometimes and not have distractions of the world around. Just be present with those around you.
Like tears in rain…
