Yeah, I'm Talking to You

 *I wrote this in the Spring of 2023.  It got away from me time wise because my editor, aka my wife, told me that it was wandering a bit.  I took that advice to heart, and I wandered away from ever finishing it.  However, since it’s done, I thought I would post.  An important note is at the time, “Killers of the Flower Moon” had not been released.  I have not watched it, so I did not rank it.  The link to the article I initially read was edited to include it.  The two lists are not in sync because of that.

 

In the middle of November(2022), I read an article in Variety that ranked all 25 of Martin Scorsese films.  After reading it I realized two things; there were quite a few I have not seen and that I had strong feelings about this ranking.  So, I started a journey after Thanksgiving to watch all of his films in chronological order and rank them myself.  I finished this endeavor on March 3. 2023. It was mostly an enjoyable film watching experience. (If you want some context, I recommend reading that article first, but it is not necessary.)

Now, you may be wondering what qualifies me to rank a master filmmaker films?  Well, not a lot really, other than I watched a lot of movies in my day and I watched all of Scorsese’s movies very recently.  In essence, all rankings are a matter of personal opinion and taste.  I don’t think mine is the definitive list; it is simply how I feel about these movies.

Ranking Scorsese movies is tough. First, there are so many great movies!  There is a reason he is in the conversation for best director ever.  Second, although many associate him with gangster movies, he crosses many genres which some may appreciate more than others.  As I watched and thought about my rankings, I used a non-consistent set of criteria not based in science at all.  Things I took into consideration entertainment value, technique, themes, characters, story, actors, and other things that may not always be conscious but had an impact on what I thought or felt.  Additionally, after watching the movies, I usually did a little reading on each movie to find out the history and stories from the film making.  Some of it was really inciteful, other times not so much.

A little data: Scorsese currently has 25 films (until “Killers of the Flower Moon” comes out later this year).  To watch all of them, it is 3,436 minutes = 57 hours 16 minutes = 2 days and 9 hours.  If you were really committed, you could watch all of them in one weekend.  I don’t think I would recommend that though.  Not included in this list are his documentaries, short films, or “New York Stories”.  As I go through my ranking, I will also note the ranking from the original article. Let’s get to the list:

 

25. New York, New York - 1977 (20) – never seen before

If there is one truly bad movie in this list, it is this one.  Maybe I’m not the right audience for this jump into the musical genre for Scorsese. Or maybe I have seen DeNiro in too many things to believe him as a carefree sax player after the war.  Scorsese said he made this to pay tribute to musicals of old.  It is a weird follow up to Taxi Driver which he put out the year before.  I will say this though, even with it being my least favorite there are two things to take from it.  The last 20 minutes of Liza Minnelli being Liza Minnelli is great.  It is essentially a Broadway show and she shines in it.  I know who Liza is, but I’m not familiar with her work at all.  I was really impressed with her in that part of the film.  Second, this is where the song “New York, New York” came from… which, in hindsight, I feel dumb for not making that connection before.  I honestly thought the song came first.  Interestingly as well, is that the song didn’t gain prominence until a little known singer named Frank Sinatra recorded in 1980 and it became the version that everyone knows today.

24. Boxcar Bertha - 1972 (25) – never seen before

In his second movie, Scorsese did what many a young filmmaker has done and got a job with Roger Corman.  Nothing really good or bad to say. It is supposedly based on a true story, but that has come into question quite a bit over the years.  It does mark the first endeavor into the “inspired by a true story” that Scorsese will have a lot in his career. 

23. After Hours – 1985 (18) – never seen before

This is quirky and the most 80s movie in the collection.  It is weird and wandering.  Apparently it is a cult film.  I don’t think I had never even heard of it before. *(I have learned since the Ted Lasso episode “Beard After Hours” was highly inspired by this movie.  So, that’s fun!)

22. Bringing Out the Dead 1999 (14) – never seen before

This begins the section I’d categorize as “I don’t think it is a bad movie - there are just so many movies that are better”.  Nic Cage does a great job as does the rotating cast of supporting characters.  From a movie making perspective, I probably don’t give it enough for credit for the themes it is examining.

21. Cape Fear 1991 (12) – seen before

I watched this movie years ago and didn’t care for it at all.  Watching it this time, I tried to be more open-minded.  I can say I still didn’t really care for it.  It is a remake of a movie from 1962, that I also did not care for when I watched it.  The interesting thing about this movie is that Scorsese was brought into direct this after Goodfellas because his stock was at an all-time high and he owed Universal Studio for financing his controversial film “The Last Temptation of Christ.”  Otherwise, his follow up to Goodfellas would have been “Schindler’s List.”  With all that, from a movie making perspective, it is a solid movie.  Scorsese does a good job with the thrilling parts.  I just think the plot isn’t good and I think that has an effect on some of the actor’s performance.  Many people praise Juliette Lewis for her performance and think she should have won the Oscar.  DeNiro was phenomenal in it.  By far his portrayal of Max Cady really shows off his acting ability.

20. Mean Streets 1973 (19) – never seen before

Although his third movie, I would say this is the first movie that really shows Scorsese developing his style.  It is the first time we see some shots and style that become classic Scorsese in later movies, the best example is the camera going down the bar and zooming in to Harvey Keitel.  Just really solid.  This is also the first collaboration between DeNiro and Scorsese, which when “Killers of the Flower Moon” comes out this year is a relationship that will have spanned 50 years.  Incredible partnership. 

19. The Last Temptation of Christ 1988 (8) – seen before

This came out when I was 13 and I saw it.  I don’t remember very much about it.  What I do remember much better is the controversy and anger that this movie generated.  It was big time drama.  This was a passion project for Scorsese.  He tried to get it made for years.  Religion is something that Scorsese has explored in more than one of his films.  Some of the casting choices are fascinating.

18. Kundun 1997 (15) – never seen before

Another exploration of religion, to some extent as it is also about post war politics in Tibet.  It is a look at history that may not be well known and a religion that is not well known in the States.  This is a beautifully shot movie.  Many of the cast were not actually actors, but were relatives of the Dalai Lama on whom the movie is based.  Fascinating enough, this movie also had a great deal of controversy, just not here.  China hates this movie because of the subject.  So much so, that Scorsese and others involved in production were banned from China forever (although that has been slacked in recent years).  Disney also buried the film and didn’t market it at all.  Michael Eisner, CEO of Disney at the time, even apologized for making it calling it a “stupid mistake.”  For some reason, it makes me like it more. 

17. Who’s That Knocking at My Door 1967 (23) – never seen before

I will be the first to say that not everyone will like this movie.  This was Scorsese’s first movie and it is so different.  It is very much an artsy, end of film school type movie.  I enjoyed the themes.  I think it was ahead of its time and a product of its time, which may not make sense.  It also marks the beginning of Scorsese and Harvey Keitel’s relationship which I didn’t even know was a thing.  Keitel was in most of the early Scorsese movies and most recently in The Irishmen.  This movie also has an interesting release history and had graphic sex scenes added so it would get some distribution.  Watching it, you can tell good things are going to come from the director.

16. The Aviator 2004 (21) – never seen before

Scorsese’s second movie with Leonardo DiCaprio.  I would say it is a fine movie about a complicated man.  All the acting performances are strong.  It is beautifully shot.  It is long though, almost three hours. Now it covers almost three decades of Howard Hughes life and some very exciting parts, but it was long.

15. Silence 2016 (1) – never seen before

This is one of the biggest discrepancies between the original article and my rankings.  And it was one of the reasons I went on this journey.  I very much had in my mind what the number 1 movie should be and Silence was not it.  This is another foray into religion and what it means to people for Scorsese.  I think it is a very strong movie and I learned something from history that I did not know before. That always makes me like a movie more.  However, it was hard for me to have sympathy for the main characters and what they were going through, knowing the history of the church in other parts of the country.  It certainly had an impact of where I rated it and I realize my bias plays a part.  Once again, this is a long movie, 3 hours, and you feel how long it is at times.  From a pure movie perspective, it is very solid and I see why people would rate it high.

14. Gangs of New York 2002 (11) – seen many times before

This is the first collaboration between Scorsese and DiCaprio.  It started a string of four straight movies they did together a break of one movie and then back at it for another.  This relationship will also continue in “Killers of the Flower Moon.” I would say that this movie is consistently underrated and if you said to me it should be higher on the list, I probably wouldn’t argue too much.  It may not be historically accurate, by the visuals are great and Daniel Day Lewis chews up the scenery.  It is brutal and visceral and speaks to both the time it was set and the current time we are in today.

13. Hugo 2011 (22) – never seen before

The only one that I could watch with the kids!  I think it is a story of innocence, coming of age, and mystery.  It is visually stunning.  It is also predictable, but I enjoyed watching and was entertained by it.

12. The Age of Innocence 1993 (5) – never seen before

I didn’t know what to expect from this one when I started it.  It is a great period movie.  It is very well acted.  Just a really solid film.

11. Raging Bull 1980 (2) – seen once before

This will probably be my most controversial take.  While I can appreciate some of the movie making processes of this movie, I don’t like this movie.  I don’t think that Jake LaMotta is compelling at all.  But there are some great shots in this movie, the boxing scenes are really well done.  It is DeNiro and Pesci’s first movie together and they have such great chemistry on screen that we will see repeated over and over again.  Those things are what makes me rank it this high.  The author ranking this movie so high is another reason I pursued my journey.

10. Shutter Island 2010 (13) – seen before

This is a well-made thriller and is more interesting on subsequent viewings after you know the twist.  I had a friend tell me that it is a master class in editing and I have to agree.  It is just superb.  In many ways it is throwback to thrillers of old with a lot of Hitchcock influences.

9. The Wolf of Wall Street 2013 (10) – seen before

This movie is a ride.  A drug fueled hectic ride of chaos.  It really shows the excess that can exist for a certain segment of the population.  It is well paced and doesn’t feel as long as it is.  Solid overall.

8. The Irishman 2019 (16) – never seen before

At 3 hours 30 minutes this is by far his longest movie.  It could have been probably an hour shorter with the shortening of some scenes or deletion of them.  With that said, it is a great movie.  DeNiro’s best acting in years.  Pesci is great, playing an understated character.  Pacino was on point.  The history presented is very questionable, but the way it was filmed and the performances were incredible.  It is an impressive opus from Scorsese.

7. The Color of Money 1986 (24) – seen numerous times

The third major reason why I started this journey was this being ranked so low.  I can’t tell you the first time I watched this movie, but I know I always liked it.  Tom Cruise is great.  Paul Newman is great.  Their relationship and chemistry are great.  This movie has grown in my estimation as well because the first time I saw it I did not know it was a sequel to “The Hustler.” Watch “The Hustler” and then watch this and you will gain a new appreciation of Newman’s nuanced performance and the theme. 

6. The King of Comedy 1982 (9) – never seen before

If there is one movie on the list that you haven’t seen and you want to see, this is the one to go with.  It is incredible satire. DeNiro plays a guy who wants to be a comedian and things don’t go as planned for him.  In the world we live in now where seemingly everyone wants to be famous; this movie holds up so well compared to other movies of the era.  Jerry Lewis also gets high marks for his portrayal of a late night talk show host who is over it all.

5. Taxi Driver 1976 (6) – never seen before

Yeah, I’m talking to you.  You’re the only movie at number 5. It is hard to believe this movie was made in 1976.  It is so much in the cultural zeitgeist that I knew more about certain scenes of this movie than the movie itself until I watched it.  Think about it, how many times have we seen some take on the “Are you talking to me scene?”  That says something about the impact of the movie.  That aside, it never misses a beat. Travis Bickle could be anybody.  It is another visceral, gritty movie from Scorsese.   DeNiro is incredible. It lost to Rocky for Best Picture. After watching this, I don’t know if that was the right call.

4. Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore 1974 (7) – never seen before

This was a surprise for me with this being so high.  Since I watched in chronological order of when they were released, this was the 4^th movie I watched and stayed there until Goodfellas.  This movie spoke to me and I saw glimpses of my life and those in my life.  It is often funny and often tragic. Scorsese explores the world of a woman, played by Ellen Burstyn who won Best Actress, who goes from one abusive relationship to another.  It explores how it impacts her and her decisions and how it also affects her son.  It shows how easy it is to get trapped in situations and break chains that hold you down.  The fun fact about this movie is it was turn into a little sitcom called “Alice.” The 70s were a different time where a movie about a woman overcoming abuse gets turned into a sitcom at a diner and made “Kiss my grits” part of the American lexicon.

3. The Departed 2006 (4) – seen before

This is the only movie that Scorsese has won an Oscar for Best Director.  That is really surprising considering how long he has been making quality films.  For sure, he should have one for one other movie.  This is just such a solid movie.  The acting, the shots, the story.  It is hard to find a flaw.  It is a good watch.  This could very easily be in the top spot.

2. Casino 1995 (17) – seen numerous times before

The other gangster movie. I don’t know what it is about this movie.  I find the story telling compelling.  Sharon Stone is fantastic.  She really showed off her acting skills.  Pesci and DeNiro show off their chemistry again.  They are such great acting partners.

1. Goodfellas 1990 (3) -seen numerous times before

There is just one question about this movie: how did it not win Best Picture? It lost to “Dances with Wolves”, which is a fine movie, but it is not better than Goodfellas.  Of all of his movies, I think this is the best paced.  It is 2 ½ hours long, but it moves along so well you don’t realize that.  The three main guys play their parts so well it is hard to not think of them in these roles.  The day in life of Henry Hill where he is driving around trying to get the drugs, cooking dinner, avoiding the feds, etc. is depicted brilliantly and the frantic pace showing how frantic Hill was is exquisite.  It is just such a strong film.

 

 

So, there it is. My rankings and thoughts on the 25 Martin Scorsese films.  I feel I didn’t do them all justice, but I was trying to keep my blurbs brief.  I feel some of the movies don’t need long explanations, they are what they are so to speak.

I do have some general Scorsese movie thoughts I will share as well. 

1.      His use of narration to move plot or explain scenes is great way to move the movie forward.  It helps set the scenes. From what I noticed, if the movie was based on a book, the narration was taken directly from the book.  It makes for a richer movie watching experience in my opinion.

2.      Many of his movies are “inspired” by true stories, 12 by my count. I just find that an interesting tidbit. I would say there are some generous liberties with some of the history and some of the people the stories come from are questionable narrators from a credibility standpoint.

3.      I think a fair criticism of Scorsese is that he glamorized some very awful people. I don’t think he did enough to show the consequences of these people’s actions.  In some cases, it feels like we are almost supposed to feel sorry for these people.  But it is hard to feel sorry for mobsters and wall street thieves when they are so immoral…

 

Now, go watch a Scorsese movies! Please feel free to add any thoughts or comments below.  I really enjoyed talking about this stuff.

Thanks for reading!

What's in A Nick Name

This entry may be the essence of the title of the blog.  Truly, insignificant yet interesting, to me, information about to be presented.

 This past weekend I spent at WIU in Macomb hanging out with my friend JB and remembering our departed friend Coach.  As we were talking about this, that, and everything as one does with old friend, the topic came up about the Westerwinds nickname that the women athletic teams used to have. After a cursory search, we found that the name came about not long after Title IX passed in 1977.  My assumption is that at the time, Leathernecks was seen as too masculine and not feminine enough.  I could be wrong about that, but that is my best guess. If I am incorrect, please correct me in the comments.  Anyway, in 2009 the Westerwinds name was retired and all athletes at WIU are now Leathernecks.

This conversation had me asking this question, what other college teams have a distinct name for their men’s and women’s teams.  Off the top of our heads, we came up with nothing and I thought it needed to be researched.  However, I pointed out to JB that I would have some caveats to this discussion:

1. I was auto-ruling out any school that just had Lady in front, i.e. Tigers vs. Lady Tigers. No disrespect to the schools that have done this, but it just seems lazy and ridiculous, perhaps a bit patronizing. “Oh, it’s the Lady Tigers…” said in a condescending voice sort of way.  I was surprised to find that there were only about 30 give or take a few that actually followed this naming convention anyway.  I thought there would be more.

     2.  I was auto-ruling out any school that just put -ette at the end of the name.  Much to my happy surprise, there were only 2 schools I found that did this and I will give them mention here.  

Kentucky State University Thorobreds and Thorobrettes

Mississippi Valley State University Delta Devils and Devilettes

 

As we continue, generally, I will respect the no Lady stipulation, but I do want to point out some just plain odd ones with some commentary:

Bluefield State University Big Blues and Lady Blues (I suppose calling them Big Lady Blues would be inappropriate)

Illinois College Blue Boys and Lady Blues (Blue Girls to easy?)

Delta State University Statesmen and Lady Statesmen-(States Women is right there!)

Motlow State Community College Bucks and Lady Bucks (this is just funny… and isn’t there a whole community fighting against Lady Bucks.)

Western Kentucky University Hilltoppers and Lady Toppers (they don’t even get to be Lady Hilltoppers, just Toppers.)

Northeastern Oklahoma A&M College Golden Norsemen and Lady Norse (I got nothing for this one.)

 

All right, now there are some derivatives of that naming convention, but they make sense from a gender perspective, so not as lazy in my opinion:

Centenary College of Louisiana Gentlemen and Ladies

El Paso Community College Tejanos and Tejanas

UMass Minutemen and Minutewomen

Oberlin College Yeomen and Yeowomen

University of Puerto Rico at Humacao Buhos and Buhas

Saint Peter’s University Peacocks and Peahens (although it seems they are all called the Peacocks now.)

Claremont McKenna College, Harvey Mudd College, and Scripps College are all the Stags and Athenas

Hardin Simmons University, McNeese State U, New Mexico Highlands U, Oklahoma State U, University of Wyoming are all the Cowboys and Cowgirls

 

Next, the ones that just seem unnecessarily pointless:

University of Central Missouri Mules and Jennies (a jenny is a female mule.)

McLennan Community College Highlanders and Highlassies

Northland College LumberJacks and LumberJills

Stephen F Austin State University Lumberjacks and Ladyjacks

University of Central Arkansas Bears and Sugar Bears (what’s the point of the Sugar, just the same as Lady.)

University of Hawaii Rainbow Warriors and Rainbow Wahine (Wahine is Hawaii for woman/women.)

Montana State University – Northern They are the Lights and Skylights (I didn’t know lights need to be genderfied. Going by the Northern Lights is a pretty cool name though.)

Kaskaskia College Blue Devils and Blue Angels (What, women can’t be devils, men can’t be angels. I’m sure no one would agree with that?)

 

After getting those out of the way, we are at the heart of the question.  I found five that truly fit the answer to the question where the names are truly distinct.  I present to you these five schools: (men’s names are first, women’s are second0

University of Arkansas-Monticello Boll Weevils and Cotton Blossoms

California Lutheran University Kingsmen and Regals

Louisiana Tech University Bulldogs and Lady Techsters (I know, I know it has a Lady in front, but the names are so different to be unique names in my opinion.)

Xavier University of Louisiana Gold Rush and Gold Nuggetts

Arkansas Tech University Wonder Boys and Golden Suns – (I found this information fascinating as to why they are different and probably plays into the Westerwind as an idea narrative: “Tired of being referred to as the Wonder Girls or Wonderettes, the female athletes of Arkansas Tech held a contest in the spring of 1975 to determine what their new mascot would be. Several names were nominated, but in the end, the athletes selected Golden Suns as their new nickname”.)

 

Next, I came across some names that I think are funny context to using them for males or females… partially because I’m immature:

Toros – That is Spanish for bull, but I suppose calling the women Cows would be bad.

Colts – It is a male horse, but I suppose calling the women Mares would be bad.

Beavers – I mean c’mon, there was a whole bit about it in The Naked Gun

Cougars – I know it is referring to the animal, but there is also the meaning of an older lady into younger men.  So, I purpose that those men teams become the Sugar Daddies.

 

These two are just interesting because from what I can tell they are male, but there have not been any efforts to change them and in fairness it looks like the are from when the were all male schools:

Heidelburg University Student Princes

Providence College Friars

Also, this all women school that is still all women have this name which is think is awesome:

Sweet Briar College Vixens

 

Lastly, I leave you with the Rhode Island School of Design and this entry from their Wikipedia page: “RISD has many athletic clubs and teams.^[40] The hockey team is called the "Nads", and their cheer is "Go Nads!"^[41] The logo for the Nads features a horizontal hockey stick with two hockey pucks at the end of the stick's handle.

The basketball team is known simply as "The Balls", and their slogan is, "When the heat is on, the Balls stick together!"^[41][42] The Balls' logo consists of two balls next to one another in an irregularly shaped net.^[43]

Lest the sexual innuendo of these team names and logos be lost or dismissed, the 2001 creation of the school's unofficial mascot, Scrotie, ended any ambiguity. Despite the name, Scrotie is not merely a representation of a scrotum, but is a 7-foot tall penis.”

 

 

There you have it.  Highly Insignificant. One last tidbit that I think is fun is that the USC women's team go by the Trojans, but they are also recognized as the Women of Troy. That is pretty badass. 

 

*I’m not going to do a full citation because this isn’t an academic paper, but this is where I pull my information from: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_college_team_nicknames_in_the_United_States

 

**Also, I will add any corrections to any other school if necessary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

Tears in Rain - A Memorial to a Friend

 A year ago, one of my oldest and best friends passed away, James "Coach" Edlen.  I have spent the last year grieving and have started and stopped this post numerous times.  I just can't seem to find the words in the correct order to encapsulate what he and our friendship meant to me.  I can't make it perfect.  It's kind of like him.  He was not perfect.  He had many admirable qualities that anyone would emulate.  He also had quite a few qualities that at best could be easily ignored and possessed a couple that needed to be challenged.  

In October of last year, the Western Illinois folks, led by JB and myself had a memorial for Coach at one of his favorite spots on campus: The Henninger Hall Stoop.  It was a place were our crew spent a lot of time, smoked a lot of cigars, and saw a lot of sunsets, maybe one of, if not the, best places in Macomb to see a sunset.  I wrote and gave a little memorial speech for him that day.  I don't know if it says enough, but I do think it was fitting for who he was.  I tried to speak to his strong qualities and touch on but not emphasize his more shaky traits. It was cathartic for me at the time.  It still is.

At this time, I would like to share it with all of you.  I'm sure I could, and sometimes feel I should, put together something more epic as may be fitting for someone who occupied a large portion of my life and still occupies my thoughts. I just can't get there right now.  I stop and start in fits and I can't get the tone right. It is also opening myself up and making myself more vulnerable than I'm willing to share. I will say this, I was lucky to have him as a friend.  He was closer to me than a brother.  There was mutual love and respect for each other as individuals.  I miss him dearly.

 *The above image is from the night we had our memorial.  It was fortuitous that we had such a gorgeous sunset.  If you believe in such things, one would say he was looking down on us that day.

October 21, 2022

This has been hard for me.  I have been thinking about it for the last 5 months and still don’t know how to encapsulate Coach, our friendship, and what he meant to me.

As we liked to joke, he was a conundrum wrapped in an enigma.  As many of us know, he had quite a few medical problems the last few years.  He never let that get him down… too much.  He was so stoic though, that one would never know if was down.  We talked about it though.  The struggles, the loneliness of being back in Galesburg and not being able to do a lot.

I have a million stories about Coach over the last 27 years and I’m sure some of them will be told this weekend.  However, I want to share a few stories now.  I think many think of him and I  together… especially at The Café. We were not fast friends though.  I was not part of the initial Café crew.  Nope, that was Ray Gottner, Eric Schultz, and Ryan Nestler… maybe others, but not me.  Coach was always very guarded about The Café in the beginning.  He didn’t want that space infringed on.  It was his time with those guys.  I don’t think it was until November of our first year as RAs together that I had the audacity to ask him if I could come… it took him a good three weeks to actually let me go.  I think that was the start of us becoming closer.  I respected the unwritten rule of not crashing it.  He respected that I did that.  He was big on respect and following traditions and unwritten rules, mostly for the good, but sometimes to a detriment.  It is something he carried with him until the end and something I mostly respected, although not always.

One of the things that I think truly solidified our bond though came a little later that semester at the Bay/Henn closing party in Northern Lights. We had some sparkling grape juice and everyone was going around saying a toast to the semester and wishing each other good fortune for the holidays.  It was clearly an expectation that we said something.  At that point in time, I was not as polished a speaker or person… some would call me uncouth even.  So, it gets to me, I stand up tall, raise my glass and say, “Here’s to all of you” (which is a pretty solid start or so I thought) then before my brain could stop me, “I’m glad I met most of ya.” I kind of smirk in my uncomfortableness and as I go to sit back down hurriedly, Coach starts to get that belly laugh of his going, falling out of chair laughing, just looking at me a little like I can’t believe you just said that.  I start to laugh with him and it became a long time inside joke for us.  He was like that, he had a great sense of humor and he was funny despite JB saying that he was only caustically witty.  There were many times when him and I laughed and laughed about things we saw, things we said, or just random things.  That is also a story I hear about him from many others.  He was quick with a joke… even though I believe he was a notorious joke thief it never really bothered me because if he was using it, you knew it was good.  And that is not to say he didn’t have his own jokes.  He had many and was an expert dirty joke teller.  On par with that, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention, he was also an expert at the use of the word fuck and being able to slip it in eloquently into almost any conversation.  He considered himself an artist really.

 

Over the years, as we grew and our friendship grew one starts to notice qualities of people that maybe weren’t paid attention to at first.  For one, Coach was a thoughtful friend.  There were many times I got a text or phone call from him wishing me well or bringing something to my attention that he knew I cared about.  I also got numerous packages from him over the years as I know many others did as well.  There weren’t necessarily care packages, but they always had things that he knew the person would like.  For me, it was beer, bbq sauce, WIU apparel, Cubs stuff… the list really goes on and on.  There was always an accompanying card or note letting you know he was thinking about you and he thought you would like a certain item.  I think I got more WIU jackets from him they I ever paid for myself.  I guess I’m saying there was always care and love to those packages.  Many times that is how he expressed his affection for people.  He wasn’t the best at stating those feelings out loud, but he showed it other ways if one was looking.

He was a fierce protector of those he cared about and those that couldn’t protect themselves… I know, sometimes he came off as a bully. I was bullied by him on more than one occasion.  In fairness, he was bullied as well.  But over time, I was on the receiving end of his protection more than I was not.  He stuck up for me and helped me stick up for myself.  I think this is the case for many.  Of course, this changed over time as well.  Where once it was his physical stature that carried the intimidation it later became his acerbic wit.  He was wicked smart, well read, and quick with a cutting remark that would put those in their place that needed it.  You knew you were in good company if he had your back because he did not give that away freely.

 Ever since I had known Coach, he had been involved in stuff.  At first, being an RA, but then RA Council, IHC, NRHH, the list is kind of endless.  He tried to have as big of an impact in those endeavors as he could. As he moved away from the university setting, he got involved in more charitable endeavors.  One of them being assisting with the softball special Olympics in Georgia.  I went to visit him one weekend down there to watch some Cubs/Braves games and it just happened to be one of the weekends where there was special Olympics tournament.  I had seen him in a lot of settings at that point in my life.  I had seen him be impatient more times that anyone could count, it was almost default setting for him.  But at that event, he was so patient, so kind, so giving to make those tournaments as great as they could be for those participating.  He umpired of course, but then he went above and beyond directing people and helping them when necessary.  He did this for many years and mostly under the radar for those of us up here.  He was giving and it was great to see that side of him because he didn’t always let it show.

With all that being said, the thing I really miss the most is the mundane things that he and I shared.  We spent a lot time in that cafeteria not doing anything.  We spent a lot of time at The Café not doing anything.  We spend a lot of time just about anywhere not doing anything.  We filled that time with conversations that varied greatly in their significance, from not so much to highly.  We both had a wide breadth of useless information that we did not have any issue sharing with others even if they didn’t want to hear them.  The last few years, with Covid, it was a release when I could text him or he texted me with something that would make us chuckle, laugh, or think.  We were always in touch, but the last few years it was more frequent.  We had plenty of big moments together.  Many more small ones and they mean just as much to me, probably more.

Throughout this we found that we had similar tastes in books and movies.  One of his favorites was Blade Runner, adapted from a Philip K. Dick story.  There is a line in that movie that was one of his favorites and I think is apt now.  The character, Roy Batty, is getting ready to die and his talking about the things he has seen and he says “All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain...”

Like tears in the rain.  If he had a tombstone I would put those words on it.

Lastly, one of things that he and I enjoyed  and we talked about occasionally, was the comfortable silence.  You know, where you can just be with someone and not say anything and have a companionship. The void doesn’t have to filled with noise.  We had that.  I hope you have that with someone.  It is important to just be sometimes and not have distractions of the world around.  Just be present with those around you.

 

Like tears in rain…

 

Nostalgia is a Dish Best Served Piping Hot

Just over a week ago, I found out one of the old college eating establishments in Macomb, IL was going to be closing.  Luckily, I grew up just over an hour from the alma mater and the holidays were coming up.  This meant that I could make one last ride to eat Aurelio’s pizza before it closed and became some other Midwest pizza franchise.

Now, you may be thinking, “But Aurelio’s is a chain pizza place. What is the big deal?”  Because in small town Macomb, IL it was a legit pizza place.  It was thin crust Chicago style deliciousness.  Besides, before I went to WIU, I had never heard of Aurelio’s and up until my senior year or so, I had no idea there was more than one.  I know I wasn’t the only one.

It is more than that though.  I ate a loooooooooooooooooooooot of pizza in college.  I’m talking 4-5 times a week and many of my friends benefited because I was very generous when I ordered it.  And perhaps some of them took advantage of my pizza vice… especially when I was intoxicated.  Regardless, I never minded because I loved pizza and was always up for a slice or 8.  Macomb had the typical college pizza places: Dominos, Papa John’s, Pizza Hut, and Little Caesar’s.  My preference was Domino’s.  Don’t laugh. I still contend that the Domino’s in Macomb is the best Domino’s in the country.  It didn’t hurt that it was $5 dollars for a large one topping.  I’m pretty sure I was single handily responsible for the strength of the west central Illinois pepperoni industry.

In addition to those places, there was a “local” place called Aurelio’s.  It was by far the superior option for pizza.  The ingredients were fresher, the cheese was tastier, and the sauce… well, the sauce is what everyone talked about.  It had just a hint of sweetness that made it delectable.  So, so good.  As with anything that is premium, the price was just a little pricier than the other places so it wasn’t a 5 times a week type of place for a college kid.  After all, there was very little that should cut into the beer money.  No, Domino’s or Papa John’s was your everyday pizza; perfect for after bars, in place of cafeteria food, working the front desk, hanging with the floor mates, or because the day ended in a Y.  Aurelio’s was for when you wanted to get some.  I know this to be true from a very unscientific survey of myself.  In undergrad, no Aurelio’s dates = no nookie.  In grad school, some Aurelio’s dates = some nookie.  Clearly, this has to be the case for everyone.

All in all, Aurelio’s was a great place to get a bite to eat.  Usually you knew someone who worked there. If you were able to get their section, you were guaranteed better service and the occasional free garlic bread which was never expected but always appreciated.  I ended up having quite a few meals there and after graduation it was the place many of us wanted to grab a bite to eat at for homecoming festivities.  My senior year we even included it in our pub crawl - they had a bar after all.

When I heard it was closing, I was saddened.  I told my wife and suggested we drive to Macomb when we visited my mom for the holidays.  Amanda spent 2 years in Macomb for grad school and Aurelio’s was one of her favorites too.  My mom was game for it as well.  So, the day after Christmas, we loaded up the mini-van and drove the 72 miles to get Aurelio’s pizza for the last time.  One of my buddies who lives in Macomb, JB, was able to join us as well.

We got there right when the restaurant opened and were seated promptly.  Even after not having eaten there in a long time, I didn’t even need to look at the menu.  I got “The Works” and we got a sausage pizza for everyone else.  While we waited, the wife and kids went to play in the padded room… no, literally a room with a bunch of play mats for kids to play on.  JB, my mom, and I sat at the table and talked.  Well, it was mostly JB and I talking about a slew of random things; reminiscing about the past, discussing the present, projecting for the future.  It was just like old times.  Finally after what seemed like a long time, our pizza came and it was… OK.  Quite frankly, it was not as good as I remember it.  The ingredients didn’t seem as fresh as normal.  The sauce didn’t have the same zing.  Don’t get me wrong, it was still very good and I enjoyed every bite… after all I do have a pizza problem.  After we “hoovered it down” as my friend said, it was time to cash out and go home.  Even though the pizza maybe didn’t live up to expectations (I’m going to chalk this up to them closing in a week), it was still a great time.

Which brings me to the title of this post, Nostalgia is a Dish Best Served Piping Hot.  What made Aurelio’s great, besides the pizza, was all the memories.  I still remember my first bite of the cheese and spinach from their decadent spinach pie.  It was the “healthy” option because of spinach.  I had great discussions, dates, lover quarrels, beers, and of course food.  It was seemingly always busy, but for some reason that never bothered me there.  I sincerely believe that I don’t have a bad memory of that place.  There was just something positive about getting a slice there.  Being there this last time brought back a few of those memories and also created a new one with having my family there.  It was very nostalgic… which is perhaps what I really had the appetite for that day.

To Ambivalence From Chris

Christmas has also been a time of year for mixed emotions for me.  There have never been a great number of traditions in my life with regards to Christmas.  (Not to mention, my overall thoughts on organized religion, society, and the over commercialization of this holiday, but that is not what this post is about.) Over time, that has made me quite ambivalent towards the whole season… but that is changing and I think it may be a great thing.

Growing up, my immediate family was never super close to any of our extended family.  On my mom’s side, mostly this was due to distance.  It just wasn’t feasible for us to go visit and thus no traditions were created.  On my dad’s side, we stopped doing anything with them when I was around 10.  Coincidentally, that is when my parents got divorced.  And up to that point, the Christmas outings to my dad’s parents were not exactly pleasant as they seemed to want nothing to do with their own grandkids.  Even after my parents got back together, we never went to the grandparent’s for Christmas.

After 10 years old, I don’t recall Christmas being a big celebration.  We still went to church for programs.   We still visited our friends.  We still did presents.  However, many times it felt like going through the motions.  My dad became a truck driver and I’m not even sure if he was home for Christmas very much after that.  Eventually, my brother moved out, my parents split again, and it was just my mom and me.  I would also be negligent if I didn’t mention that when my parents broke up for good was during the Christmas season.  Not to go into details, but there threats of violence, almost a door broke down, and me shouting out the door what an asshole someone was… let’s just say that from that point on my whole view of the season was tainted.

It wasn’t all bad.  When it was just me and my mom, we had some good times.  We always tried something different for us for our Christmas meal; duck, goose, game hens, etc.  Presents were never a big thing but, then again, that isn’t necessarily the reason for the season.  Regardless, it has had an impact on me and how I handle gift giving/receiving to this day.  My mom also worked a lot on Christmas.  She was a nursing assistant and worked 3^rd shift.  Many times she slept during Christmas day and I was left to do my own thing.  We made it work for us and that was what was important.

When I went to college, we tried to continue some of those things but, as inevitably happens, my mom and I grew apart for a few different reasons.  This led me to do other things for Christmas time.  By my senior year, I went to Florida to work with a friend at a golf course.  I stayed with his family and they were extremely welcoming to me in their home.  Due to my own awkwardness and uncomfortableness, I didn’t feel right spending the actual Christmas day with them.  So, I became a legend to my fellow bag boys and worked 12 straight hours on the busiest day of the year at the golf course.  If only it would have been a tipping club I would have cashed out big time.

As I continued that journey from then to now, I have spent Christmases with different families; girlfriends, wife, by myself, and always finding time to go see my mom.  Christmas was never my favorite and as my wife told me this morning in a note “I did what was expected and enjoyed a few moments here and there.”  Essentially, I was going through the motions.  I would help my wife get a tree but I did nothing to help decorate it.  I occasionally would have a gift giving moment; where I found something so great that there was no way it wouldn’t go over fantastically.  I have never been comfortable receiving gifts and this will be something that I always struggle with.  I’m very much a person that if I want something I will just buy it.  It makes it hard to buy gifts for me.  Over time, I have learned to be grateful for what others give me and accept that they are coming from a place of love.

With all that, built up over 40 years, I have become quite ambivalent.  I want to spend time with family and friends, but I don’t necessarily want to put up with some of the other obligations that come with this time of year.  Frankly, I could also do without some of it, but I also don’t want to miss out on anything.  It is stressful and I’m fully aware that is all brought on by myself.  There is some part of me that would perfectly content to take advantage of the Christmas sales but not do anything else with regards to this holiday.  Don’t mistake this for hating Christmas and being a bah-humbug; you can have your happiness, I just want very little to do with it.

If I would have written this as little as 4 years ago, that would have been the end of the post.  Things change.  People change.  My perspective has changed.  It is not me alone that has changed it though.  It is two very small people by the names of Jack and Max.  Experiencing this holiday through my kids’ eyes has helped me realize that there is a lot of potential to have some great traditions in my little family.  This has really being building for the last two years because of Jack having a better awareness of presents and the day.  Of course, that is helping Max understand much quicker than he did.

When Amanda and I talked about Christmas with the boys, Jack’s eyes would start to get big.  He would get so excited he shook and got a great big grin.  He talked about Santa coming to visit, leaving reindeer food out, and cookies for Santa.  He would ask when we were getting a tree and decorating it.  He wanted to help decorate.  In all of this, he would include Max and talk to Max about Santa coming and presents and trees and candy canes.  For an almost 4 year old, he was very in tune with what was happening.  Max is still a little young to understand it all, but what he lacks in understanding, he makes up for in enthusiasm and smile.

For me this means two things really: do nothing and miss out on a fun time with my boys or start to embrace this holiday I don’t have strong feelings for. Because at the end of the day I live for the smiles, I live for the laughs, and I live for the joy I see in my boys for all the hoopla surrounding Christmas.

So, with more energy than I have in years, I helped pick out the tree (I didn’t help decorate though), I got one of those red/green laser projectors to shine on the house, and I got stockings for all of us.  I have been filled with more joy for this time of year because I have two little boys that want it so badly.  Their enthusiasm is quite infectious… and I’m grateful for it.

The reason for the gratefulness? It makes me feel good to see them happy.  It makes me feel good to see my wife smile and laugh because I’m enjoying it more.  I was more invested in the holiday season and I can tell she appreciates it a lot.  Leading up to last night as we were preparing for Santa’s visit she mentioned to me how much more I seemed to be having fun with Christmas.  This is very much a true statement.

The payoff for my renewed Christmas vigor came this morning when Jack looked at the plate of cookies that we had left for Santa and exclaimed “What happened to the cookies?!  SANTA ATE THEM!!!!!”  The unbridled joy and happiness… words can’t do it justice.  Then as we looked in the stockings to see what Santa left Jack and Max their level of happiness continued to grow and grow.  After stockings was the presents from mommy and daddy and they were not disappointed if their ear to ear grins and high shrieks of laughter are any indication.  I don’t know if there is a better joy than seeing one’s children so excited about something, even if it is only bits of plastic and metal.

In addition, to all the gifts, we are also taking this opportunity to teach them about giving.  We bought some items for our local children’s hospital and it was great to see Jack grasp the thought of giving gifts to someone who needed them more that we did.  One thing I think is important during this season is to show generosity to others because hopefully that will transfer to not only this time of year but to all times of year.  That giving something to other is important and the right thing to do.

I find myself in an interesting dilemma now; to hold onto my Christmas angst or to embrace my sons’ excitement and happiness.  The choice seems easy and I know which way I’m going to go.  I don’t want my unpleasantness to affect how they view this holiday or any other holidays.  They have changed me.  They have made me want to be part of something I didn’t want to have a great deal to do with.  It is more than that though because it is not just wanting to be a part of it, but it is wanting to experience the glow of them and the innocence of youth.  Quite frankly I don’t know if I have the capacity to express and adequately describe the emotions.  It is a… warmth.  I’m sure many have had a similar feeling.  It is all the good things plus so much more.  And this year is just the beginning.

I guess what I’m saying with feeling and extra meaning this year, as opposed to the perfunctory, is Merry Christmas!  

2 score years ago and 2 score things...

I just turned 40.  I don’t know why people make such a big deal about.  I feel no different than when I was 30… well maybe a few more aches and pains, but that is it really. 

However, it is a nice round number and I have been on this blue globe of life for 4 decades.  It is a good time to reflect and with that comes thinking of what I have learned in my 2 score years.  Without further ado, a list of 40 things I have learned in my 40 years.  They are in no particular order, just really how I was thinking about them.  These are things I didn’t always know and sometimes I have had to learn them anew because I have forgotten them.

1. Just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should

2. It is hard to rebuild any bridges that you have burnt.

3. You can make a lot of friends by paying for the pizza.

4. When you are in the presence of wiser, more knowledgeable, smarter, capable people, sometimes it is best if you just sit back and listen to what they are saying rather than trying to impress them with your own wisdom, knowledge, intelligence, or abilities.

5. Pay your debts.

6. Being with your peeps is reason enough to party.

7. If you aren’t reading something you aren’t doing it right.

8. Kissing is pretty awesome.

9. Sometimes you tell a joke and it kills, sometimes you tell a joke and it bombs… but you never know unless you actually tell the joke.

10. The only expectations that you have to live up to are the ones you set for yourself.

11. Sometimes friends are only in your life for a short period of time.  Instead of mourning that the friendship ended, cherish that it existed at all.

12. It is okay to change your opinions as you go through life.

13. Happiness is fleeting only if you are always looking for the next thing.

14. The comfort zone is a nice place to visit, but I don’t want to live there.

15. Fear is easily overcome by telling it to fuck off.

16. You have to take advantage of opportunities when they present themselves or else you might miss out on a lot of life.

17. The driver controls the radio.

18. Laughing loud and often should be encouraged, not only in yourself, but in others as well.

19. Beer is the nectar of the gods.

20. Always thank people for the things they do.  It is important to let people know they are appreciated.

21. Stand up for those that can’t.

22. Be kind.

23. Whatever your expectations are of others, that is typically what you will see… that is not always a good thing.

24. People can change.

25.  If you are going to hold a grudge for a long time, be prepared to deal with any fall out it may cause.

26. Comfortable silences with friends are something to strive for.

27. You have to be able to laugh at yourself.

28. As awesome as kissing is, sex is awesomer!

29. Sometimes your family isn’t related to you.

30. Respect is not just an Aretha Franklin song. It is something that we should all have for each other.

31. You can teach yourself to do anything if you really want to.

32. Your integrity should never be for sale.

33. Treat others as you want to be treated.

34. Just because someone makes a mistake, that does not mean they need your disdain.

35. Sometimes you are teaching the moment and sometimes your need to be taught the moment.

36. Sometimes you aren’t the target demographic.

37. Pick your battles and know which hills to die on.

38. Great friendships aren’t always based on you agreeing on everything.  Most of the time they are based on how well you disagree with each and if there is still respect and love for each other afterwards.

39. Love is worth it.

40. Listen to your head, listen to your gut; but use both when making decisions.

There you have it, 40 things I have learned… mind you it is not the only things I have learned.  I’m not even sure these are the 40 most important things I have learned.  In fact, I will probably read this list later and want to change a bunch of them… well except for the sex is awesomer one.  I mean that is clearly the truth!

Strike a chord...

On July 18th, I saw Billy Joel at Wrigley Field.  After seeing his show, I was on such a high.  It lasted for a few days and it got me thinking about my relationship with music.

I know people that are very invested in music. They know every song of their favorite artist.  Some of them are very talented musicians in their own right.  They can break down tons of songs and tell you more about them then you could imagine.  It is their passion.  That is not the case for me.

I don’t know anything about music.  I don’t know what a scale is or a chord.  I have highly questionable rhythm.  The only tunes I can carry are of the car variety.

I do not always have to have music on and many times I find it distracting if it is on.  Music was never a huge part of my life.  Sure I listened to it.  I’m familiar with many musical artists. There are some that I have been a fan of for a long time.  That I grew up with so to speak.  However, it never was a major part of my life growing up.  Music was never on very much in our house.  We didn’t have sing-a-longs or dance parties.  Additionally, there is some music that we weren’t allowed to listen to in the house growing up which probably lent itself to my lack of appreciation as a youngster.

I know a lot of people associate music with times of their childhood.  The only strong memory I have of music in my early days is we had a Beatles record.  This may be why I like The Beatles as much as I do.  Everything else that I listened to was on the radio or if my brother got a cd.  I was never one just to lay on the bed and listen to music like so many others I know did.  Very little of my time was spent just listening to music.

When I went to college, my perspective changed a great deal.  I have a much deeper connection to music in my college days and time immediately after than I do at any other point in my life. I think this is because there was a lot time where I just sat around drinking beer, chatting with friends, and music was on the in the background.

I think about this all because my sophomore year of college, I went to my first concert: Billy Joel in Champaign, IL.  Besides the fact that Billy Joel just rocks, it is probably when I really started to associate music with memories.  I can remember so many details about that trip.  I attended it with three other guys.  We sat in the nosebleed section almost behind the stage, but it was awesome.  I remember we went to the bars afterwards and had to leave early because one of the four of us drank too much too quickly.  We were pissed at that guy for a while.  I remembered I told a girl I liked her hair because I thought it was purple…it was not purple…stupid stain glass played a trick on me.  Needless to say, she did not chat with me.

I had always known who Billy Joel was.  His videos were always on MTV and my brother would constantly play “We Didn’t Start the Fire” on repeat.  I would have considered myself a fan, but being a fan is different than having a connection to specific songs or artists.  After this concert, I started to have connections.  This concert was the first time I ever got goose bumps from music.  When you have an arena full of people all singing the last verse of “Piano Man” it can have a profound effect.  I carried that feeling for a long time.  It opened a whole new emotional level.  I still hear Billy Joel songs and they take me back to that concert.
 
I now have songs associated with certain memories.  Every time I hear James Taylor, John Denver, Merle Haggard, Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, David Allan Coe and others it takes me back to Tuesday nights with Whiskey Bill in The Downstairs of The Café.  Anytime I hear Jimmy Buffet it reminds me of summer in Macomb in 1996, The Ranch, softball, and the concert I went to trying to chase a girl.  Whenever I hear “American Pie”, I think of the nights at The Regulator, along with most of the popular songs of the eighties.  Anytime I hear “Radar Love”, I remember the road trip to Georgia Southern when I bought the cassette tape of that song from a gas station.  These and so many more have just made my life so much fuller.  All the memories aren’t positive, there are negative ones as well…but they are all part of the journey.

It is funny though.  Experiencing music in this new mindset has helped me reconcile some things in my past.  For the longest time, I disliked country music.  I could not figure out why.  Then I started to hang out with my friends and we would listen to Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, and other classic country guys.  Some of these songs really spoke to me and I started to question why I didn’t enjoy country music and then it hit me.  My father loved country music.  My father and I had a falling out.  I have rarely spoken to him in the past 24 years.  My goal for a long time (and still is for a lot of things) was to be the complete opposite of him.  That included disliking anything he liked; country music was the top of the list.  By developing positive memories with all these old school country songs, I was able to grow past that point of my life.  Now, Johnny Cash is my second favorite artist of all time.  In fact, I had just gotten his American Recordings IV album right before the last time I spoke with my father.  It was very cathartic to listen to in the car for 10 hours of road trip.

This of course all comes back to the present.  When I saw Billy Joel this last time, it was with my wife.  I remembered all the memories and great feelings of those songs/concert from 20 years ago and also created great new memories and feelings that I share with my wife now.  That is something that is worth more than anything to me.  I have music to thank for that.

As I continue to move forward in life, I hope that my sons develop a level of appreciation for music at a much earlier age than I did.  I would be thrilled if they learned how to play musical instruments.  I may try to role model that for them by picking one up myself, but that is a post for another time.  Meanwhile, my oldest already seems to be on his way to knowing good singing from bad as he is constantly telling me “No sing daddy.”